Dear Ed
by That Anime Girl
Summary: Letters to Edward Elric of Fullmetal Alchemist! Featuring some Xovers, reader entries, and the ever increasing Brianna Sherman problem. Now with 80 percent more updates! Come join the fun!
1. The First Batch

TAG: Hello! Welcome to the... story thing. Here is the disclaimer: (Oh boy, this is gonna be long...) I do not (duh)own Fullmetal Alchemist, Inuyasha, Azumanga Daioh, Ranma 1/2, Barbie, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Wolf's Rain, Neopets, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, R.O.D, that Soylent Green show, or Totally Spies (takes breath).Yeah, I think I covered them all...Please enjoy!

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_Dear Ed_: if you're in need of some friendly advice, send your letters to Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, via mail or cyberspace. It is not Ed's fault if something goes horribly wrong when you take his advice: Please proceed at your own risk. 

Dear Ed,

I am having a little girl problem. My old girlfriend, "Oykik," died and came back to life in a clay body. Now she is trying to drag me to hell with her! In addition to that, my new girlfriend is her reincarnation, and the two don't get along very well. What should I do?

– Confused in Feudal Japan

**Dear Confused, **

**Wow. If I were you I'd go with the reincarnation, as she isn't made of clay and isn't a psychotic stalker. Either forget about Oykik or go to hell with her, I guess. If you like your new girlfriend and don't want Oykik in the way, put her in a giant microwave. She'll melt. Or blow up. Or something. **

Dear Edward,

I am eleven years old and in high school. I am very smart but I can't seem to get a boyfriend. I don't know whether I should find one that goes to the high school or stick with middle school kids. The high school kids are all older than I am, but if we're at the same intellectual level, would it really matter? I just want to find someone I can be happy with.

-Almost Twelve in High School

**Dear Almost Twelve, **

**Please do us all a favor and stick with middle schoolers. If you ask to go out with someone in your high school, they will either be extremely offended or will tease you for being short, at which point you should SHOVE THEM OVER, RIP THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN OUT OF THE WALL AND SMACK THEM OVER THE HEAD! SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

Dear Ed,

I know this guy, "Randy," that is very nice. However, he is under a curse that turns him into a girl whenever he is splashed with cold water. He does turn back into a man with hot water, though. It is very awkward to be walking around with him one moment and then a bicyclist pedals through water on the side of the road and gets us all wet and suddenly he is a girl. Not to mention he has no feminine dignity and goes topless sometimes. What should I do?

–Scared with Unpredictable Sex Change

**Dear Scared,**

**Hey, that reminds me of this Barbie my friend had that in cold water her bathing suit was pink and then in hot water she had a scuba outfit on. And shaving Ken, where you like, shave him in hot water and his beard comes off, and then in cold water it grows. Oh, and this one time, my friend left on the white face make-up on her Mulan Barbie for too long, and even though it was supposed to come off in warm water it didn't and so she had to chisel it all off with a nail clipper, but she accidentally scraped the Barbie's eyebrows off and I teased her about it for days… **

Dear Ed,

Is my desire to blow up NASA a bad thing?

–larry19

**Dear larry19, **

**Yeah. **

Dear Ed,

I have this problem. I am always getting into some kind of trouble, and am curious and dig into things I shouldn't be. Everyone tells me I love to play the hero. Even my best friends "Harriet" and "Roy" have told me about it. Once I even led a whole group of people to their possible death because I thought someone was dying and I was going to save him but it was just an image put into my head that I was supposed to be blocking but it was hard because I was being taught to do it by a jerk who kicked my out of his lessons because I was snooping around in his stuff while he was gone and found out something I wasn't supposed to see about his past that led me to think that my father was a jerk, and my dad was one of the best friends of the guy that I thought was dying, but he was just home all the time! I felt awful!

–Playing the Hero

**Dear Hero,**

**Wait… what? **

Dear Ed,

Once I was on a website about you, and there was an ad on the side for vitamins that help boys grow tall and strong! There was a picture of a tall basketball player on there too. Isn't that funny? It's almost like people are warning kids not to be stupid like you and never eat their vegetables so they grow up to be like, 3 feet tall and shorter than their little brothers.

­–Laughing at You

**Dear #(&$, **

**WHAT THE $!# HELL DO YOU WANT? DO YOU )& THINK I &$# WANT TO HEAR THAT? YOU &$!##, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK A #!#$! QUESTION NOT &&)### GET ME PISSED BECAUSE YOU $!# CALL ME A SHORT $#!& WIMPY LOSER! YOU WANT TO &&)$## FIGHT ME YOU &$#& &$(?!?!?!?!? CAUSE I CAN TAKE YOU ON AND BEAT THE $#!& OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!**

Dear Edward Elric,

I don't think you should be a tad embarrassed about this nonsense of you being short! Why, I think you are rather a tall lad! My, I don't suppose you could even get into my house without ducking! If you ever care to stop by tea is at four. I live in the Shire, bless me, I hope you know where that is. It is a very fine place, I think you will fit right in, being your size! We are all so short, but you are still taller, Edward! My sincere blessings!

­–Bill Bluebottle

**Dear Bill, **

**Thank you, but it wasn't much of a compliment coming from a $#$&# THREE FOOT TALL HOBBIT! (&&!$#, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE $##!! HAPPY BEING A FOOT TALLER THAN A (&$## HOBBIT????? YOU'RE ALL LIKE &!$) MIDGETS SO I SUPPOSE I WOULD FIT RIGHT $#!(& IN!!!!!!! **

Dear Ed,

Do you know how to get to paradise?

–The White Wolf

**Dear Wolf, **

**No. **

Dear Ed,

I am obsessed with Neopets. But not really in a healthy way, like most people. I am on every day most of the day, and I think about it all day at school. I talk about it to my classmates, my teachers, my parents, the cable guy, etc. I have dreams of becoming rich and buying anything I want. My life goal is to collect all the Neggs and Avatars, and eventually buy every single thing there is to own on Neopets! My pets are my best friends. I cry if I forget to feed them. And I'm devastated if they get sick. They've given me so much! What would happen if they went away? If it goes down for maintenance, I get depressed and sad like the little red down for maintenance Pteri. If I ever get in trouble with the Neopets staff, which I rarely do, I feel like I've been disciplined by my parents. I don't want them to get mad at me! I want them to like me. My username is shelly3333luvspets. I want everyone to know it. I want the Neopets staff and the faeries and the scratch card ticket Wocky to remember my name and think of me as that one special girl. I dream about Neopets and write stories and draw pictures about it. I think sometimes that if I wish hard enough, all my dreams will come true and I will enter the world myself and play with all the pets and help the Soup Faerie. Is this O.K.?

–shelly3333luvspets

**Dear shelly3333luvspets, **

**Uh… this may sound harsh, but… Neopets isn't real. The money you make on it isn't going to affect your life. It doesn't matter how rich you are. Your pets don't really love you, they are just programmed to say that. Neopets is O.K., but not when you… you know… worship it. I think you should get out a bit more, make some friends at school… Do you have a sibling? They are very nice to talk and play with. Take advantage of that. Don't hurt yourself trying to wish you were part of Neopets. Bad things might happen. It's going to take some time to reverse the things that already _have_ happened. **

Dear Ed,

There is an eyelash stuck in my eye and it hurts. I don't know how it got there, but its there and it itches very badly. I tried to blink it out but it didn't work, and then I tried removing it with tweezers and I hurt myself a lot. What do I do?

–Itchy Eye

**Dear Itchy, **

**… you wrote me a letter… to say you had an eyelash stuck in your eye. My deepest sympathies. Try eye drops. **

Dear Ed,

I have a prosthetic body. My hair is purple. Would it be O.K. to use bleach on my pillowcases, or will it rub into my hair? My hair feels like normal hair, but I don't want to make a mistake and walk around with streaks in my hair.

–Major

**Dear Major, **

**I wouldn't know, but I'm going to say it would be O.K. to bleach your pillowcases. **

Dear Ed,

I have this thing with books. I like them a lot and spend a lot of money on them. But what's more then that, I can create things out of paper and use them like a shield from bullets. But that not the important part. See, I have so many of these books, and they just bring so much joy, right? But I need money for buying other things too, like food. I'm considering selling some of my books for money, but I really don't want to do that because I've become attached to so many of them. I have a teaching job and it does pay, but I'm worried. I understand that I am making enough money to pay for food, but if I lose my job, I will have to sell some books. Or maybe I can just make things out of paper and sell them to people! I think they would enjoy that. It's just not often people get to see beautiful things made out of something as simple as paper. So I won't need to sell my books after all. I can keep making money to spend it on things I enjoy, which would obviously be books, and to buy the food I need and pay the rent. Sorry, I guess I just answered my own question.

-Agent Paper

**Dear Paper,**

**O.K. **

Dear Eddie,

I love you a lot. I have your picture all over my bedroom and I stare at your face and think about what you would say to me if I could meet you. I think we would make a great couple. I hate Winry because I think she likes you and I don't want any competition, I just want you all for myself, and I'll kill the bi!$# if she kisses you. One time I got mad at you so I ripped up your picture, but I felt bad about it afterwards and went and bought two more to make up for it. Will you transmutate something special for me and send it to me with a note that says "To Brianna, my one true love! I hope to see your beautiful face someday and maybe when we're older we can get married and you can bear my children. I miss you, Edward Elric. P.S. I hope I am never replaced in your life."

–Brianna Sherman, Your Girlfriend

**Dear Brianna, **

**Uh…** **I'm afraid that if I say anything polite I will encourage you. Just… just know that I appreciate the compliments, but… uh… they're kind of creepy, and I don't think we'll be getting together anytime soon. You're not my girlfriend, I don't even know you, and the only thing you might get in the mail from me is a restraining order… **

Dear Ed,

I am so embarrassed! I have to go to this stupid Kiddles the Kuddly on Ice show with my family, all because my parents are fans of when I used to like Kiddles and wish I would still like him and all that crap. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I really don't want to see a man in a giant purple suit skate around and make lame jokes. Please help!

– Angry at Parents

**Dear Angry, **

**Sit in the very back, wear a wig, and talk to the person next to you about how stupid it is. Or excuse yourself to the bathroom and stay there the whole time. Or run onto the ice beating your chest and throwing popcorn at Kiddles and screaming "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" **

Dear Ed,

I attend high school, but I am also a spy for "ZOOP." It's hard, especially trying to keep it a secret from your classmates. I really like this guy, but I can't get him impressed with me, no matter how hard I try. My friends are all competing for him too, along with an evil snobby rich girl. Should I tell the guy that I am a spy? My friends are too, but I thought that if I told him first, he would be really impressed with me and like me for trusting him with a big secret.

­– supachick16

**Dear supachick16,**

**You're willing to betray your friends, who are trying their best to keep it a secret just to better them at getting a guy? My advice: Don't give the guy the scoop on "ZOOP." Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**

Dear Ed,

I have this problem with having extreme allergic reactions to milk! And I have to drink some to be allowed in this club, but if I drink the required amount I'll die! Please help! I'm going with whatever you say and if you don't say anything then I'm going to have to drink the milk and die!

–Joe

**Dear Joe, **

**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, the scoop on ZOOP! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**

Dear Ed,

I have to go to the bathroom.

–Jaken

**Dear Jaken, **

**That's great. **


	2. More Letters, Hurrah!

TAG: Welcome back, everyone! Thank you so much everyone for the great reviews and letters to Ed! Note that some of these letters are from reviewers, and some, like that one omelet thing, are by me. Alrighty, here's the disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, Code Lyoko, Yu-gi-oh, Chobits, or anything else mentioned that you seriously would doubt belongs to me.

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Dear Ed Part 2 

Back by popular demand, Ed is here to take your letters. Send 'em in and he'll give you a well-rounded, thought out answer to your questions. Or, he'll do what he did last time.

Dear Ed

I love your brother! Can I marry him?

-rockbell

**Dear Rockbell,**

**You love Al? And you don't love me? Naw, just joking… sort of… well, um, I'd guess you'd have to ask Al. O.K., I'm asking him right now… He's saying 'what, I can't hear you…' There's this girl on the computer, I say… he says 'Are you one of those R rated dating chats again' NO, NO, hahaha, nothing of the sort, Al… Blah blah, he's going on about how bad those are, NO AL, I'm not on one of those, come see for yourself, he shakes his head and… walks away! Well, I'll just have to get back to you on that… Heh, and I'm NEVER on dating chats. What a joke. Haha. Ha. **

Dear Ed,

My brother saw a picture of you on my computer (don't ask). Anyway, when my brother saw said picture he asked "Is that cheese?" I responded "Just because he has blond hair and yellow eyes, doesn't mean he's cheese!". To the point, what should I say next?

Signed, Confused sister.

P.S. If you ask me he still thinks you're cheese.

**Dear Confused Sister, **

**CHEESE? At least he didn't call me SHORT. At this point I would advise the following: "No, silly (or other more profane word) brother, this is not cheese but a very tall, attractive man with extraordinary abilities, and you cannot eat him, and he is not a product of cow's milk and whatever else cheese is made of. And cheese does not wear a coat." Actually, this one time, I looked in the fridge and there was this piece of cheese, right? And it had molded so much, that it looked like it was wearing a shirt. **

Dear Ed,

Cheese _is_ short. Haven't you ever seen it before? It's tiny. Like you.

- Anonymous

**DEAR $#! ANONYMOUS-TOO-CHICKEN-TO-WRITE-THEIR-OWN-NAME-BECAUSE-THEY-KNEW-ED-WOULD-TRACK-THEM-DOWN-AND-BEAT-THEM-UP, **

**CHEESE is NOT necessarily short!!!!! Don't they make like, cheese sculptures that are like, 300 FEET TALL?!?!?! SO THERE! I AM A 300 FOOT TALL CHEESE MAN AND I'M GOING TO SMOOSH YOU BECAUSE I'M NOT SHORT!!!! **

Dear Edward,

My friends, Yumi, Od, Orik, and I would like to know how to bring our friend Aileta to life. Right now she is living in a computer world with an evil computer virus named Zana.

-Jeremy, Yumi, Od, & Orik

**Dear Jeremy, Yumi, Od, and Orik, **

**You lost me after the 'Dear Edward' part. **

Dear Ed,

Listen, I know you complain about being short and all, and I just have to say one thing: HA HA!! You're short! You're what, 4'3"? I'm, like 5'7". HA HA HA HA HA! Midget.

-Fictionluverkdm (Short freak)

**DEAR MEAN PERSON, **

**WILL YOU PEOPLE GET OFF MY CASE?????? AND FOR YOUR &($#! INFORMATION I'M 4"4!!!!! SO THERE!!! HAHAHAHA!!! AND I'M MADE OF SUPER TALL CHEESE! Wait… Where did _that_ come from…? **

Dear Ed,

Someone wrote a very funny fanfic about you, I think you should read it. You are so calm and cool with talking with other people and giving them an advice. And for me it is ok you are as small as a bean - I have the same height and I am at your age (besides I'm a girl). I didn't have any problems, just few questions:

1. When I will see you again?

2. When will this writer write another fanfic with you?

-DeEP-Kris&Gluttony

**Dear Nice Person, **

**This is what I like to hear! Everyone should follow your example when they write me these letters. We-ell, I suppose I can be very calm and patient, can't I? I'll look over that small as a bean comment because of your honest praise. And you're my age and height and you're a girl…? Hold on, let me tell Al something… HEY, AL! I found someone my height and age that's a girl! You owe me $20! Heeheehee… He says, No I don't owe you that, because you owe me for finding a girl that was… in… a suit of armor all the time… before you… found… Aaanyway, I'll answer your questions, like I'm supposed to… When will you see me again?Soon is a great possibility because you are my height and my age and a girl. Second, my editor, who is eating raisins and reading _Chobits_ right now, would love to write more about me, I'm sure. First she has to go through all my responses and spell check them, and turn all the bad words into little symbols. Haha. Ouch…she just threw a raisin at me… **

Dear Edward-kun:

I have this weird golden upside down pyramid thing with a so called spirit in it that kept on telling me to turn people mental with some playing cards! What should I do?

-Tri-coloured Porcupine

**Dear Porcupine, **

**This is new. I suppose you could always tell the spirit that he could have a lot more fun with a hobby, like, making model planes and blowing them up and stuff. You could also give it to a really bad magician, who pretty much already turns people mental with playing cards, so it wouldn't be hurting anyone. And if you put the pyramid in the ground, you could see if it grows sprouts on the top like a carrot, and then maybe you could eat it. **

Dear Ed,

I have a crush on best friend Parker, the sweetest guy ever. But I know he doesn't like me. Then you come along, with all your cuteness and I don't know who I like. Who do I choose? Do I choose you or Parker? Both of you are really nice guys that are cute, funny, smart, ect... but I need to stick with one guy. Please help me.

-Gothic Rose093

**Dear Rose, **

**This is simple. If Parker has another love interest, then choose me. If Parker does not have a love interest, choose me anyway, because I can do alchemy, which is really cool. Chicks dig alchemy, right? And you and Parker can still be friends, even though he's probably lamer than me, and I am so nice. **

Dear Love bunny Eddie,

I'M GONNA KILL THEM! Those stupid mean girls that want you! Don't they know we're engaged??? I think it's cute that you're playing along with them, but I love you and I'm going to kidnap you if you don't come see me soon. I tattooed your name on my… wait, I won't tell you where, you have to come see for yourself, Eddie! Oh, you have an imposter! He tried to trick me into thinking he was you, and don't worry, the guys and suits that came with the restraining order from him tried to get me but they couldn't. I'm mad because after I escaped, they went into my house and took all the pictures of you in my bedroom and burnt the shrine where I keep my life size model of you that I made myself! My mom and dad were taken to the police to be questioned, so I burnt my house while they were gone to hide the evidence. I did the same thing you and your brother did to _your_ house! I'm writing to you from my friend's house. Her name is Suzie and she's backed up in a corner because I threatened her with a gun. I made her give me her best stationary to write to you, Ed. I love you!

-Brianna, who still loves you!

**Dear Brianna, **

**WHAT??????!???? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME? WE ARE NOT ENGAGED!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN YOU BEFORE! THERE IS NOT A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL I'M TRACKING YOU DOWN TO SEE YOUR TATOO!!!!!!! DON'T KNOW YOU AND I DON'T LOVE YOU! I'm blocking your letters! I'LL BURN THE NEXT ONE I GET!!!! **

Dear Ed Elric,

I think cheese is made from cheese crackers. It has nothing to do with a cow. You just take the cheese out of the cheese cracker and then you have your cheese, and your crackers. Eggs are made from omelets, too. If you put a chicken in an omelet it wouldn't taste very good, but if you put an egg in a chicken, it would be an omelet. If you have three eggs that hatch from an omelet, you can make scrambled chicken, and when you scramble and omelet you can make a chicken with eggs. And if you want a cow you put the cracker and the cheese and the chicken together. And scramble them.

-Inowsevrythin76

**Dear Inowsevrything76,**

**…**

Dear Edward Elric,

Your reply to last week's 'Angry at Parents' was bad. In fact, all of your replies are bad. I run a mailbox like this for a living, and let me tell you, NO one serious would ask for your advice. I suppose we are like rivals, because our columns are published so close. It's a fight between us for the most letters from people wanting our generous words of wisdom, or in your case, gibberish and random insults. You are too lenient in publishing these stupid questions, or rather statements, calling you short, or people who want to marry you. No one cares about things like that! And your editor is awful. I would hope she would choke on her raisins and that you would find something better to do with your time. Your advice, attitude, and mental stability need a serious adjustment. You would do everyone a favor to close this advice column for good.

-Harriet Orkelheim, _Harriet's Helpful Hints_

**Dear Harriet, **

**All I heard was "Blah blah blah blah blah." And for your information, I do a good job running this, and so does my editor, even if she is a little crazy. No one will want to write to a column called Harriet's Helpful Hints, it's too cheesy!!! And besides, that wasn't even a question you just submitted, Snorkleheimer. **

Dear Ed,

Moo

-Moo Cow

**Dear Moo Cow, **

**No more cheese. Just for today, nothing more about cheese. **

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Will Ed get over being called 'cheese?' Will he receive another letter from his psychotic stalker, Brianna? Will people stop calling him short? Will he get that raisin out of his ear that I put there when he called his editor crazy? Will someone vouch for him against his evil rival, Harriet Orkelheim? Send in your letters to Ed in a review, or to dearedwardelric (at symbol here) yahoo. com! (I'm serious, that's a real e-mail address! Just take out the spaces in between and send away!) You can also e-mail me, the editor, at thatanimegirl (at symbol) yahoo .com (make sure to get rid ofthose spaces... this document won't let me write links, so I have to add the space to let it show up. The link is also on my lookup page). If you want to send a letter to Harriet Orkelheim, send them to my e-mail and… I'll forward them to her (wink wink). Thanks for reading!!! 


	3. Ed's Back, Finally!

TAG: I'm alive! But more importantly, I have more letters! Here's the disclaimer: I don't own any anime, especially not Fullmetal Alchemist. Some of these letters were written by me, others weren't. I couldn't use all of your letters because there were so many! I picked a few so I wouldn't get this removed for too much audience involvement, and I promise to get around to some others next time! Thanks and enjoy!

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Send your letters to Edward Elric via mail or cyberspace. If you're looking for some good, honest, thoughtful answers to your questions, you've come to the wrong place. Not saying Harriet's Helpful Hints is the right place. 

Dear Ed,

O.K., here's the deal. I like to make fanart, but I'm having a bit of an art block right now. But I really need to get back to drawing! There's this big fanart contest coming up and I want to win it! But whenever I put the pencil to paper, nothing comes. It's really bugging me, what should I do?

Art Blocked Artist

**Dear Artist, **

**Draw me! It's a sure way to fix art block. I mean, it's like one of those nasal congestion pills. Your art block is the nasal stuff, and drawing Edward Elric is like the relief. But without side effects. Actually, you might get a callous on your finger or something from drawing. Unless you have one of those squishy grip things. Um, sorry, getting off topic… Anyway, if drawing me doesn't work, try drawing upside down. How does this help, you ask? Well, you draw upside down, flip it over, and go WHAT THE HECK? Because it's really hard to do a good drawing upside down. So then after seeing that horrible picture, you will be motivated to draw better, and your nasal passages will be cleared. I mean art block. Your art block will be cleared. Not from your nose. **

Dear Ed,

I have several questions for you. What does meep mean? What does umm... mean? I have a friend who just doesn't accept that meep means meep and umm... means umm...

Love, Kirri

**Dear Kirri, **

**The definition of meep is a word that you say sometimes… and… uhhh… Here, let me look it up on the internet. Pssh, I got to remember to change this stupid kitten background Al's got on the desktop… Let's see… Go to Google… type in define:meep… "Meep is an onomatopoetic word whose sound can be similar to a honking car horn." O.K., what the heck? Now I gotta find out what onopo-whatever means… and I thought car horns were more like, BRRREEEEEP! Unless it's one of those little ones. Ummm… means when you don't know something, or you forgot what you were gonna say, or you are hesitating to say something. You know what, I think car horns make an "UMMM" sound too. So there you go, tell your friend that Ummm… and meep are both car horn sounds, and she'd better accept it. **

Der Ed

Lyk I ttly hav this prob w/ this guy, he wuz on the intrnet n he wuldnt talk 2 me even tho I was lyk Omg ur the coolest I lub u! n im mad cuz he wuz rude, so wut shuld I do?

tehcoolestchick

**Dear tehcoolestchick, **

**Lyk OMG that so sux that he wuz lyk not talkng 2 u! Wow, I just annoyed myself by typing that. **

Dear Ed,

I love harry Potter! I'm crazy about it. I painted my whole basement to look like Hogwarts. I wear Gryffindor robes to school and the mall. The only reason I go to the mall is to read the books again even thought I own them all in hardback and paperback. I've memorized the first three books and am memorizing the next two. I'm so excited for the sixth book to come out that I'm camping out from now until July in front of the bookstore! As you can see, I am obsessed. A book report in school is coming up and, naturally, I want to do one of the Harry Potter books. But my teacher won't let me! She says since I've done the Harry Potter books for all the rest of my book reports that I should do a new book. I hate all the other books but Harry Potter! What do I do?

Emmy A.K.A Hermione

**Dear Emmy,**

**Yeeeahhhh… Um…. Have you tried reading another book besides Harry Potter before? If you have, try reading one again, and this time pretend that all the characters in that book are just Harry Potter characters in disguise. If that doesn't work, I'd try repainting your basement and wearing normal clothes. It might…. loosen up the obsession a bit so you could read other books again. If all else fails, I'd attack your teacher. **

Dear Ed-chan,

I always get your name confused with Al's. Don't get me wrong, I know who's who, but I always call you Al and him Ed. Any suggestions to help me remember your names?

star-rose26

**Dear star-rose26, **

**I can see how you get it mixed up sometimes. Both names are two letters and they both start with a vowel. And you can spell words out of them too, like deal, and lead, and dale, whatever a dale is, and… uh… edal… which is a pedal without the p. So back to your question, what you need to do is make some flash cards. Make three. On one draw a picture of Al and then put "Al" on the back. On the second one draw me and put "Ed" on the back, and you can put some other stuff on there too, like "Cool" and "Alchemist." And on the third one you can draw Roy Mustang and give him a mustache and on the back write "Monkey." Hahahahahaha! And then you can have someone time you. And if the evil monkey flash card is distracting you can shred it. **

Dear Edward,

I need help on my homework.

1. What is the capital of Arkansas?  
2. What was the first battle of the Civil War?  
3. What were the Central Powers during World War 1?  
4. What was World War 1 also known as?  
5. What is a preposition?  
Thanks  
-Tim S.

**Dear Tim, **

**1.Arkansas City.  
****2.That one with Custard or something, right? So is it Custard Battle? Or Custard Bagle? Haha…  
****3.Um… where's the center of the world, anyway? I think it's New Guinea. So yeah, I'd go with that.  
****4.The First World War? World War One? World War Uno?  
****5.That's easy; it's the beginning of a position. You know, pre- means before, and then there's position, so there you go. **

Dear Ed,

Yesterday, I went to the market to buy some groceries and guess what? They sold a cheese sculpture that looked like you! (Life-size at 4'4"!) So I asked the vender and he was like 'yeah, I just KNEW he'd make the most inspirational cheese art' and talked on and on about seeing you on TV and stuff. Yeah, I don't get what he's going on about either. So anyways, I bought the cheese-you for $2.99 and went home. The problem was, even though I was really hungry, you looked way too awesome to just eat. So I put the cheese-you on top of my kitchen table and left you there for a whole day. Unfortunately, you are starting smell and I see that a blue mold is growing on your chin. What should I do?  
-cheeseenthusiast

**Dear cheeseenthusiast, **

**That's so cool that they make cheese me's! Haha, rhyme… anyway, about that mold. I see two things that could happen here. You could try scraping it off, which would give me a super manly chiseled chin, which could be kinda cool. Or, you could let the mold grow and I could have a blue goatee, which also might be kinda cool. Either way my appearance is changed a little bit, but I guess that could be O.K. Maybe the blue goatee would be a little weird. Well, in the worst case scenario, I'd eat me, and then throw out the chin since mold doesn't taste all that great. Hold on a minute, isn't that Blue Cheese salad dressing stuff mold? So it might actually be good. O.K., so you could eat me and then put my chin on a salad. **

Dear Edward Elric,

I have been in bad spirits since I discovered you have continued this column against my suggestion. You and your editor should be ashamed! Why, all the answers you gave to Tim S.'s homework questions were completely wrong. You shouldn't even be giving kids answers to their homework in the first place! Give them help or tell them to ask a teacher, not an irresponsible teenage columnist with less sense than a peanut.

_-_Harriet Orkelheim_, Harriet's Helpful Hints _

**Dear Snorkleheimer, **

**Oh yeah? Well, your advice column and you _combined_ have less sense than a peanut. And whoever your unfortunate editor is has must have a brain the size of a peanut to actually work with you! Grrrrrr, why don't you and your morals just… go skydiving with broken parachutes or something! Just because you have no life doesn't mean you can come write stupid letters to me. And you must be really stupid because you're writing to me, and I'm not writing to you, so you're getting less letters to put on your column, HA! And I bet all your letters are written BY you, and you just pretend to be someone else and answer your own questions! Or they are from real people, and they say stuff like this: "What are the proper socks to wear to wedding? Sincerely, Stupid Bridesmaid." And you say, "The proper socks for a wedding depends on the theme blah blah blah I suggest a white or lavender if you have a dress that covers them blah blah blibbity blah." **

Dear Ed,

I hate milk as well, and it turned out that a lot of my friends hate milk too, so we formed the milk-slaying ninja clan where we run around slaying milk with goldfish, purple tape, and paper kunai. Since I know how much you hate milk, would you like to join?  
-TahPehKage

**Dear TahPehKage, **

**Yeah, I wanna join. Can my codename be Fullmetal MilkHater or something? And should I bring my own goldfish, or do you guys have a bunch already? **

Dear Ed,

I'm wondering if it's possible to make a video game that you could play with your eyes closed.

Also, it would really make my day if you pretended to be a robot while answering this question.

LaserKing

**Dear LaserKing: **

**My sensors indicate that a video game of the type you have specified would be one programmed to respond to other senses of the human being such as touch and hearing. It would be possible for such a video game to exist but allocated data of my opinion reads that such a game would be uninteresting and difficult to manage. It is now safe to turn off your computer. **

Dear Eddie-chan,

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BLOCKED

Your one true love, Brianna Sherman

**Dear Crazy Stalker, **

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

Dear Ed,

My little pink dog stuffed animal is talking to me…

Ms. Sagi

**Dear Ms. Sagi, **

**…is it supposed to? **

dear ed,

what did you think of that harry potter boy finding the philosipher's stone and destroying it? just wondering, mind you.  
-person

**Dear Person, **

**WHO DESTROYED IT? HARRY POTTER? WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM ANYWAY! I bet it wasn't even the real one! Yeah, he's so stupid he destroyed a fake… Or he found it and he thought it was a fruit or something, so he ate it. **

Dear Lover Eddie,

You'd better check whose e-mail you're blocking! My last letter didn't get through, but no worries sweetie, I have plenty of e-mail addresses! I just wrote to you to tell you that I escaped from prison and I'm waiting for you to come see me! I talked to a pastor and set a date for the wedding, so you'd better be there! It's O.K. if you're late, I'll still love you. I made a shrine for you a while ago but the cops came and it got set on fire. How mean! I hope you don't think I'm a horrible person for letting them burn your shrine. Oh, I read a letter from a girl who had a cheese statue of you! WHERE DID SHE GET IT? I want one just like it, so I can make out with it while I'm waiting for the real you to come and kiss me! And don't you dare talk to any of your fangirls! I bet they're all jealous of our relationship. And don't call anyone else 'dear' anymore, O.K. love bunny? Love and kisses!

Brianna Sherman

**Psychotic Stalker, **

**GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP TALKING TO ME YOU NUTCASE! **

Dear Ed,

O.K., I don't really understand you. You're really popular and you get all these letters, but you're not even handsome or anything. You're a freakin' midget, dude.  
-BlackDragon

**Dear &$#! MORON,**

**WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? We had gone through this whole column without ONE SHORT COMMENT, AND HERE YOU COME ALONG AND RUIN IT! AND IT'S INTERTWINED WITH AN UGLY COMMENT! GAAAAHHHHH! WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER WRITING LETTERS TO ME IF I'M SO SHORT AND UGLY? HUH? ANSWER THAT MR. DESPERATE LOSER!**

Dear Ed,

Since lots of people are calling you short, why don't you make fun of tall people? You can say to the next person who calls you short "Your so tall you hit your head and become half retarded when you walk through a door!" Take my "Ed"vice. Get it, advice for you:"Ed"vice! HAHAHAHAHAHA: )

Person with helpful hints

P.S. Not that Harriet person. Just someone with useful "Ed"vice.

**Dear Person, **

**You. Are. A . Genius. **

Dear Ed,

Um, if you're 4'4, then I'm way taller then you, and I'm younger then you. Are you like one of those dwarf people or something?

Candice

**Dear Candice,**

**BUAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FELL FOR IT LOSER! YOU'RE SO TALL YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AND GET A CONCUSSION WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH A DOOR! HAHAHAHAHAHA! AND I'M ACTUALLY 4'9! HAHAHAHA! Haaa…. **

**O.K., this is driving me crazy. I get some super nice people that say "Wow I think short is cute," and then I get THESE MORONS who think I'm a midget, and GUESS WHICH LETTERS MY EDITOR PICKS? Yeah, she's tall too and I bet she hits her head on doors and gets a concussion! HAHA! Yeah, that's right, you heard me! I'm taking a break. I'd like to thank anyone who gave me nice letters. Good bye. **

* * *

TAG: Umm…. Well, he's a little angry… I'm sure Ed will be back later, but for now, what should I do… Oh, I know! Send some letters to Al this time! You can send some more to Ed but he probably won't get around to answering to them in the next post. Thanks for reading! Tell me in a review how I'm doing, and leave a letter for Ed or Al, or send an e-mail to Ed's address: dearedwardelric at yahoo. com. See ya! 


	4. Special Elric Edition!

TAG: What's this? ANOTHER UPDATE! Took a while, huh? The reviews kept me coming back. Thanks everybody :) The Oh-so-obvious-but-necessary-disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any other anime referenced to in here. Some of the letters are by reviewers, some are not; I want to make sure I don't get the fic deleted for too much audience involvement. And without further ado, I present:

* * *

The Special Elric Edition of Dear Ed!

**Hi everybody, it's Al. I decided to take over my brother's column for a little while since he's protesting against it at the moment. I'm sorry if I don't do it the same way he does, but I'll try to give the best advice I can! **

Dear Al,

People make fun of me because I have no friends, but in reality, they don't know I don't want friends, I just want to be alone. Is that bad or too much to ask?

-Shy

**Dear Shy, **

**Even though you may be shy, it's always important to have some friends! I think you just need to find someone who you share lots of interests with. I'm sure there's someone out there who you'll love to be around, and all you have to do is find them. Maybe it's even someone who is very outgoing, and can help you open up to others. Being shy isn't a bad thing, but you n…. **

WHOA WHOA WHOA, STOP THE PRESSES THERE, AL!

**Brother? What are you doing? I thought… **

I WAS going to sit around and protest the unfair treatment of me in this column, but… you're doing it wrong.

**I'm doing _what_ wrong? **

The advice thing. I can't just sit around and watch while you answer people's questions like this!

**Oh… but…**

How about I show you the ropes of an advice column, hmmm? That way you can learn in case you ever get your own column.

**Oh… O.K., Ed, show me. **

Great! First, let's take another one of these letters addressed to you, and we'll go about ed-vicing it, or al-vicing it, mmmkay?

**Alright. But are you sure we can both answer letters? I mean, it is your column… **

And what would happen if we do? The advice column police would come and throw paper at us? I don't think so. We'll be fine.So let's start with another letter!

Dear Al,

I have a problem. My daddy says i can have a kitty but I dont know what kind of kitty to get. I love them all and there all so cute and mewy and fluffy!(except for those naked ones...they are definnatly not fluffy..) What is you favorite kind of kitty?

-KittyKatastrophy

**Oh, yay! A cat question! **

UGH. Well, I can still help you here, I think. So, what kind of advice would you give, Al?

**Well, I'd tell her about all the different kinds of cats she can get! And I'd ask her exactly what requirements she wants. Does she want it to be friendly, easy to manage, easy to groom… **

Yah, yah, O.K. What you need to do is ask her what the heck mewy means.

**But Brother, doesn't it mean they meow a lot and…**

Ask her!

**But…**

Do it!

**O.K…**

**Dear Kitty Katastrophy (cute name!) **

**What does mewy mean? **

What the _heck_ does mewy mean.

**What the heck does mewy mean? **

Very good. Now we need to organize the rest of this letter. So the next thing we should do is talk about that cat that lived in our neighborhood that sounded like a sheep when it meowed. Like, Ma-a-a-a-a-a-ah!

**_What_? **

Yes, Alphonse! The sheep-cat!

**Um, O.K… We used to know a cat that sounded like a sheep. **

So it didn't exactly make a mewy noise.

**Right. **

Next topic is the 'naked cat.'

**They're called…**

Ah-ah-ah! We don't need to put that! We just need to express our feelings about the naked cat. And suggest if she hates them, then she should get one so she could bond with it and learn to like the breed better. Or, it would make a totally awesome Halloween prop. Like, "Look, I'm a mummy and this is my NAKED CAT OF DOOM!" And pull it out of your basket and wave it around and make evil noises.

**Er… O.K… I don't really like the "naked cats," because I like the soft, fluffy cats better. And maybe you should get a naked cat so that you could learn to like the breed better… **

And it would show you how much you take furry cats for granted.

**Brother! Don't interrupt! …and a naked cat would make a totally awesome Halloween prop. **

Cool. So let's pull it all together and try answering that letter again.

Dear Al,

I have a problem. My daddy says i can have a kitty but I dont know what kind of kitty to get. I love them all and there all so cute and mewy and fluffy!(except for those naked ones...they are definnatly not fluffy..) What is you favorite kind of kitty? -KittyKatastrophy

**Dear KittyKatastrophy, **

**What the heck does mewy mean? We used to know a cat that sounded like a sheep, so it didn't exactly make a mewy noise.** **I don't really like the "naked cats," because I like the soft, fluffy cats better. And maybe you should get a naked cat so that you could learn to like the breed better. And a naked cat would make a totally awesome Halloween prop. **

O.K.! Sounds a bit pieced together, but…

**It is pieced together, Brother. I just copied and pasted from the stuff above. **

Whatever. Shall we do another one? And this time I'll watch you do it, and I won't say anything.

Dear Aru-kun,

I have a cat that is so cute and fluffy, but when you try to pet her, she attacks. What should I do since you are the cat expert?

-Halfmetal Alchemist

P.S. Tell Edo-kun I said 'Hi' and tell Roy-san I said 'You are a moron!'

**O.K.! I'll handle the letter! **

And I'll handle the telling Roy he's a moron part! Be right back.

**Um… O.K… So, uh, let's try this:**

**Dear Halfmetal Alchemist, **

**Your kitty sounds very interesting! Has she been attacking people since she was a kitten, or is it a recent thing? Sometimes when cats have problems with people when they are young, they hold the feeling with them their entire nine lives. Maybe your kitty had some bad experiences when she was little. Or maybe she's becoming more aggressive as she gets older. One way to cure her is to gain her trust by being gentle and a responsible owner. Perhaps it's just her personality, too; in that case, I would give her the space she needs, and maybe she'll warm up to you as she sees you're not trying to invade her room.  
****Oh… um… and maybe you could get a naked cat if you don't like her. **

O.K., I'm back. Let's see what you got. Hmmmm… O.k…. Can I edit it a little?

**I suppose… **

**Dear Halfmetal Alchemist, **

**Your kitty sounds very emotionally stressed. Maybe she had a boyfriend kitty that she found out was cheating on her, and instead of getting sad she's just ticked off. Maybe your kitty had some bad experiences with hands and is afraid they're out to get her. You could make one of those little mobile things they make for babies, and hang little pictures of hands off of it and put it above the kitty's bed. That way, she'll learn to trust hands because they're not constantly trying to touch her. Either that or she'll get even more crazy because there's a whirling contraption of doom that makes noise hanging above her head as she tries to sleep. So yeah. If worse comes to worse, get ones of those naked cats, because no one wants to pet one of those anyway. **

There, that's a little better. Still could use some work.

**…**

Here's another one for you. Go for it, little brother.

Dear Alphonse-kun  
First of all I've to say that you're so cool and a very nice person and very sweet and very cute and...you got the picture..well anyway I would like to ask you what you normally did at night when you were in that armour... as you didn't sleep... just curious...

Curious person

**Dear Curious, **

**Thanks for the really nice compliments! Well, at night, usually I just sit and kind of think… **

ABORT! ABORT!

**Ed? **

I can't help you with this one!

**Well, obviously not. **

But it's not even asking for your al-vice!

**What? **

Well, you're not just going to give out your al-vice to someone who doesn't ask for it, huh? It's yours and it's super influencing and highly thought of, so you're not just going to go throwing it around, am I right?

**Um… **

That would be like if someone, like… uh… startwinkle827475633379, sent me a letter that said "Hey Ed you're cute" and I replied with a super long batch of ed-vice! There's no point! You gotta be very selective about your answers, Al!

**You… you're not just angry that I got a really nice letter, are you? **

NO! OF COURSE NOT, STUPID! I get nice letters all the time! Just go look at all the reviews! Half of them are from fans!

**You just don't want to use your magic ed-vice on them.**

Right. Because I've got their love already.

**I'm really confused. **

Good. Next letter.

Dear Al

Why is your brother the protagonist of the story and not you? If I were you I would beat him up!

-Al rules

**Dear Al Rules, (thanks!) **

**Um… I actually don't mind Ed being the protagonist!**

Well of COURSE you don't!

**Yes, Brother, that's what I'm trying to explain to them.**

I know, and that makes their question irrelevant.

**But…**

But nothing. So, how about you help me answer some of my letters?

**Sure… But I'm not very good at answering them your way. **

It's O.K., Al, you'll learn. All you need is some practice.

…**right. **

Dear Ed,

My friend and I are trying to start a bake sale at our school. But the problem is, neither of us can bake to save our lives. My friend is sloppy, and I can't follow directions very well, so needless to say, our recipes are a disaster. We don't want to buy anything from the grocery store and claim we made it, because that defeats the purpose of the bake sale. Any suggestions?

-Laurie

A fine letter, in my opinion, ripe for the ed-vice. Or the al-vice. But together, we give AD-vice! See, we take the d from my name and the a from yours and…

**Yes, Ed, I see. **

So give her some al-vice, please.

**Dear Laurie, **

**Both you and your friend together can't make recipes very well, but what if you got some more people involved? **

STOP STOP STOP!

**What now, Brother?**

You need to give her some tips, not some getting-more-people-involved-community friendship-together-we-make-better-cookies-happy-bake-sale-fun junk. She needs some good, solid advice about how to make her and her friend's bake sale better. So I present:

Ed Elric's Super Bake Sale Recipe! Great for the holidays, and easy to make!

**Where'd you get this from? **

I made it up, duh. So you need… um… all those cookie ingredients, like butter, and… uh… sugar. But NO MILK. Whatever you do, DON'T PUT ANY MILK IN THE RECIPE… THING. Because it'll ruin everything, trust me. So… stir all that other stuff together, then, dollop some of it onto a pan, and put sprinkles on it or something. Oh, it would be a big seller if you shaped them round with a little braid.

**And the antenna, too, I'm guessing… **

Yes. So then put them in the oven and take them out later. See, wasn't that painless?

**Brother, you didn't give them any measurements, or oven settings, or even ingredients! **

I did too give them ingredients! And who cares about measurements! Just do what you feel is right. Have faith in your cooking instincts, and everything will turn out O.K.

Dear Ed,

I'm having a little girl trouble. Well, actually, some large girl trouble. And with more than one girl. In a sense… Well, let me explain. Whenever I meet a fine looking young girl, I approach her and ask her in my most polite and reserved manner if she would be so kind as to bear my children. With some ladies this doesn't go over so well, and some are too shy to say anything at all. Some think I'm joking, and some become violent. These reactions are also typical when I rub their bottoms. How can I get a girl to warm up to me?

-"Mark"

… **I'm leaving. **

NO, Al, wait! I need you to help me out here! Give him your best advice, but think like me, O.K.?

**Oh boy. Here goes. **

**Dear "Mark," **

**Um… maybe you should stop approaching them like that, because it might make them feel awkward. O.K., it probably does make them feel very awkward. And… Uh… maybe if you talk to them a little first, they'll get to know you a little better, then you can… um… ask that question… which is really weird… especially if you don't know her… at all.  
****Oh. And you should get a naked cat. Because it would be a great conversation starter. **

**How was that? **

You're definitely getting there, Al. Sort of.

**Yay. **

Dear Ed,

I would just like you to know that being short doesn't have to be a bad thing. Look at it this way, raindrops always hit your head last. I have a few friends who lack in height, but make up for it in personality. Don't ever change. We all love you for who you are.

-Bakamono-chan

**Well wasn't that nice! I completely agree. Wait… where did Ed go? Oh, he's printing something out… probably the letter… and making photocopies… and taping them all over his editor's laptop. Ah. **

Sorry, I'm back. Just needed to make sure she got an example of a GOOD letter to put in my column.

**It's already in the column, Brother. **

Yes, and for that I am grateful. Let's move on, shall we? Hee, raindrops hit my head last. Not many people can say that.

Dear Eddie-chan my love,

Hi baby! I bet you were just so excited when you got my letter, huh? And I bet you're dying to know how I've been doing. Well, I managed to not get arrested after I vandalized the city courthouse. Look, I sent a picture, doesn't it make you happy? But you'll be even more happy if you come and see me! I broke into a house to use the computer since my other letters weren't getting through and your e-mail address was blocking anything coming from my old computer. You know sweetheart, I spend so much time thinking about you and I bet you spend as much time thinking about me. I know the wedding got pushed back a little while since you obviously couldn't make it last week, but it's still going to happen and I'm so excited! I even started signing things Mrs. Brianna Sherman Elric, but I just steal stuff lots of the time so I don't really need to sign anything. I stole a dress and some shoes but I lost them, so can you bring me some as a present when you come? Thanks baby. And where are we going on our honeymoon? I'm so excited! I'm just really upset right now cause you're still talking to these other girls and stuff, but I know you'll always be true to me right?

-Your beloved wife Brianna Sherman Elric

P.S. We should name one of our kids after me

**Oh... my...**

AUUUUUGGGHHH. IT'S THAT STALKER AGAIN! I SWEAR, I AM GOING TO FIND HER AND… AND… MRS. BRIANNA SHERMAN ELRIC! AND… OUR HONEYMOON? WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED, FOR THE LAST TIME! AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT…

**Brother, small caps, please. **

**Dear Brianna Sherman, **

**If you continue stalking my brother, you're going to die. Either by his hand, or mine, or one of his reader's. So I'd stop, now. **

**So how was that? **

Nicely put, Al, this is your best reply yet.

Dear Edward Elric,

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you let your brother take over your column, then come parading back in with an onslaught of stupidity. Your younger brother was honestly doing such a better job then you, I'm surprised people can still read this now that _you_ came back to "answer" their questions! This advice column must be some kind of joke. My congratulations to your editor for having it stay afloat for so long, but I'm glad to say it won't be long now before I run you out of business. In fact, my Christmas Column is going to be thriving this year, just like every year. I'll be surprised if you even get one letter these following weeks.

_-_Harriet Orkelheim_, Harriet's Helpful Hints_

Ah, I knew we couldn't get through the column without a delusional rambling letter from her. Let me take this one, Al.

**My pleasure. **

Snorkleheimer,

The first part I didn't waste time giving any thought, but then I saw "Christmas Column." I mean, what a great idea! I can have a seasonal edition of my column for the next few weeks! Simply genius. I won't actually try it, but wouldn't it be lots of fun to pretend to be you in one of my columns? "I'm disappointed in your lack of confliguring ingenuity andexcess of srehmorisms yadda yadda yadda I talk to my refridgerator." So, thanks for the idea, and for making my column even bigger with your stupid letter.

**Nice. **

Yup. She's one of my regulars.

**Her and the stalker. **

…

**So, are you really going to do a seasonal thing? **

Yeah, why not? The stupid editor'll get the details worked out, I suppose. Alright, here's one last letter before we let her take over:

Dear Ed,

Hey Ed you're cute

-startwinkle827475633379

**Whoa, weird. **

You got to reply! Even if it is… kind of… weird, because I just gave an example about something like this a while back and… uh… just answer it.

**Sure. **

**Dear startwinkle, **

**Whoa, weird.  
****And Ed says thanks. **

Good. You pass.

* * *

TAG: **ATTENTION READERS!** We're doing a HOLIDAY COLUMN! So over the next few weeks, send in your holiday or seasonal related questions, i.e. "How do you put up your Christmas tree without a stand," "Have you ever gone skiing," "What kind of explosive should we send Brianna Sherman for Christmas," etc. If you send a non-seasonal question, it might be put in a later batch. So send a letter to Ed in a review or an e-mail to dearedwardelric at yahoo dot com. See you later! 

**HOW'S MY WRITING?  
1-800-REVIEW-PLEASE**


	5. Holiday Batch!

TAG: I don't think I've ever had such a short amount of time between updates... Well, anyway! Happy holidays, everybody!  
The disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, but I'm getting the DVDs for Christmas. Yessss. As usual, some letters are by me, some aren't. And now, read!

* * *

**Hey everybody, it's Ed! I'm sitting around watching some people put up the tree for the military Christmas Eve party. They actually got it up like a half hour ago, but it fell down when Fuery tried to put an ornament on it. Well, maybe it would be more stable if stupid Mustang hadn't singed the bottom of the trunk off to get it to fit in the stand. Sniff, sniff. Smells like burnt toast. **

Dear Ed,

My mom made me start a present wrapping service. I'm really bored of it, I hate wrapping presents, and it's so lame to spend the whole day sitting behind a table outside of Safeway. What should I do?

-Paper Hater

**Dear Paper Hater, **

**You can't wrap presents without wrapping paper, right? If you use so much wrapping paper that your mom gets sick of buying it, then she might let you stop. I'd suggest wrapping the shopping carts, or even your table. Also, you might need to actually go inside the store and start wrapping things, like the fruit and cans and stuff. If someone asks you what you're doing tell them you're making grocery shopping more fun by having special surprises for the customers to unwrap. **

Dear Ed,

What should you do if you steal your younger sister's eggnog, chug it, and it turns out to be alcoholic? Also, is there any kind of alchemic trick that would get it to snow...incesantly...? Lastly, if your same sister caused your Christmas tree to go on a rampage to get her eggnog back, can I get it to go after Mustang instead?

Signed, The Silver Alchemist

**Dear Silver Alchemist, **

**I'm going to answer this out of order, because it's just asking for it. First, or second, an alchemic trick for incessant snow: Get a hose and transmute the water or ice inside into snow, then spray it into the air. Actually, I've never tried that, but it sounds kind of fun. And first or second or third: If this eggnog you chugged happens to be alcoholic, and your sister wants it back so bad she makes the Christmas tree go on a rampage, then yes, under any circumstances, the tree should go after Mustang. One more thing- Why exactly was your younger sister drinking alcoholic eggnog? Do they even make alcoholic eggnog? If that's the case, what about alcoholic hot chocolate? **

Dear Edward,

I have this aunt. She's started sending my family this really gross jello for Christmas instead of presents. We all hate the jello, but we send her a thank you card saying we liked it so we don't hurt her feelings. What can we do so she stops sending the jello? Not even our dog likes it.

-Jello Jitters

**Dear Jitters, **

**She sends jello in the MAIL? This has gone too far. What you need is a plan of action, something that will tell her you don't want the jello without actually really telling her. I would suggest sending the jello back with a thank you card, something that says "Thanks for the great jello! We had lots of fun with it." That way she will be really confused and kind of scared about what the heck you did with it. If she sends you one next year, hopefully not the same one, then just do the same thing, except include a bunch of pictures of the jello in various parts of your house. **

Dear Ed,

Every year I use an anime/manga character as my star on my christmas tree and i always use a material related to the series, such as a clear pvc (or heavy duty plastic) for inuyasha (symbolizing the shikon jewel). The problem is, this year, im using you as my tree-topper but the material that popped into my head was metal. so i worked for about week (its hard to figure out the math for metal working!) and after i had it all ready, polished, smoothed, shining, i placed it on my tree. Well...being metal and my tree needing a very large topper, it was too heavy and fell off denting my hardwood floor...i was not a happy camper...but ANYWAY! there's less then a week till christmas and my tree doesnt have a topper! i dont know what to make it out of that will be quick and easy. Please give me some help.

signed,  
Tree-topper Trouble12-25

**Dear Tree-topper, **

**Hmmmm. You know, something really fun to do would be an edible material, like cheese, or chocolate. Heck, make it a cheese/chocolate mix. You could make a mold out of… tupperware or something, then pour in your melted cheesolate and freeze it for a while. Then you'll have a really cool tree topper that you can eat when Christmas is over! If it's too heavy, I'd go with jello, or frosting, or sugar. The possibilities are endless. Good luck. **

Dear Ed,

How do I light Hanukah candles without starting a fire?

-Tam

**Dear Tam,**

**You need what I like to call a "Blower." A Blower is a person who stands next to you while you're lighting the candles, and if one tips over onto the tablecloth and is about to set up in flames, the Blower will begin blowing furiously to put the fire out before it gets too big. In case your Blower hyperventilates, you might need more than one. **

dear ed

hi agian but i have another question for you. my brother has this best friend he's a total brat and loves to do anything he can to annoy me. yet i'm still expected to get him a gift any suggestions.

From rosie

**Dear Rosie, **

**This would be the perfect chance to break out**

**ED'S GREAT GUIDE TO GIFT-GIVING. **

**Section 1: Gifts for People You Actually Like. **

**If you're shopping for someone you actually want to make happy on Christmas, and it's not for some reason like "They gave me a gift, so now I have to return the favor" or "I want to look really nice, so I'll go buy some crap for everybody," then you need to give them something meaningful.**

**EASY **

**Chocolate. **

**MEDIUM**

**Buy them something they'll like, but buy it cheap, because you've got lots more shopping to do. Usually asking them what they want works to, but if you want to surprise them, be more subtle. Having someone else ask them and then tell you counts. **

**HARD **

**Get them something they'll remember forever. Something obscure and kind of strange works, but it would be even better if it were something you know they've wanted for a really long time. Hand-made gifts also go under this category because they actually take work. (Not for me, though. Clap. Shine. Woohoo, free present!) **

**Section 2: Gifts for People that You Don't Really Like but are Inclined to Buy For **

**You don't really care what they want, but you know you have to buy something for them and you want it to look good. Or maybe you don't. **

**EASY **

**Gift card. **

**MEDIUM**

**Two gifts cards. **

**HARD**

**A gift card and a fruit basket. **

**So, in answer to the question above, buy this kid a gift card. Since he's a brat, use some of the gift card first before giving it to him. And if he's a REAL big brat, get him a half-used gift card to Claire's or some other girly jewelry store. **

Dear Ed

What could I send Col. Mustang for christmas? Just wondering...

-Leena IX

**Dear Leena, **

**I'm glad you asked! This is an age old question at the military. What to get Colonel Mustang? I, personally, got him a gift card and one of those lotion/shampoo/cheap soap baskets. I know he'll end up giving the basket to Riza, so I kind of got her a present at the same time. Kill two birds with one bath fizzy! Anyway, I'd suggest giving him something he might actually use, like a new phone, since he's always slamming his, or a Hello Kitty stationary set, because that would just be plain funny. You can always resort to lame joke gifts referring to him being the Flame Alchemist. An example is a duraflame log. I think I gave him one of those last year. **

Dear Ed,

People always get me things I don't like. Should I ask them to include receipts with the gifts they buy me?

-darcy-san12

**Dear Darcy-san, **

**Tell everyone you're becoming a world-renowned receipt collector. They'll think it's cute and go along with it. **

Dear Ed,

yo. wat's up? what's your favorite christmas song? i like "grandma got run over by a raindeer". it's funny.

- egyptgrl

**Dear egyptgrl,**

**My all time favorite Christmas song is kind of like yours, except it's called "Bob the Crazy Chimera Reindeer." It's pretty funny; it's got lots of stuff about Bob running over homunculi, and how he has to eat fruitcake in order to fly. People start giving their fruitcake to him so he can fly to the downtown mall and save Christmas by running over a homunculi who was going down the up escalator. Those darned homunculi. **

Dear Ed,

This year I'm not tacking any chances. I'm avoiding the mistletoe compleatly. Have you ever been cought under the mistletoe? I once even tryed to knock it down and hide it. But my mom found it.

-Mistletoe Hider 128

**Dear Mistletoe Hider, **

**Why don't you want to go under the mistletoe? Well, I guess I can understand that… sometimes when I end up underneath some, some really strange people come over… But sometimes someone really cute will show up! For the avoiding thing, I'd tape it to someone's head, then stay away from that person. That way your mom can't get angry for you taking it down, because it technically _is _up!**

Dear Ed,

Harriet's Helpful Hints Special Christmas Column presents a special guide to holiday party etiquette! Whether you're hosting or attending, you need to make sure you're dressed and set properly for one of the biggest holidays of the year. We'll cover everything from the best party attire to the greatest utensils! We also have letters from readers and special holiday recipes and crafts, including a gorgeous ornament wreath for you to make and hang for everyone to admire at your party. There's also a special pull-out section with

**SNORKLEHEMIER! STOP SPAMMING MY COLUMN! **

Dear Ed,

My tree sucks. Every year we get a new stand, sometimes even a new tree, but it always falls over. What should we do?

-Mad Maddy

**Dear Maddy, **

**As I'm answering this letter I'm watching my friends struggle to put up their own tree. I wonder what it is exactly with trees and not staying put when you're trying to get them up. But, I've had some years of experience with trees, and I can help you with your dilemma. My first plan of action would be to transmute the tree to the floor, but not a lot of people can pull that off . My next suggestion would be to do what Al and I attempted one year- adjusting the stand so the tree could lean against the wall a little. When it ended up falling through the wall when the stand snapped, we tried balancing the trunk on either end with some heavy objects. Turned out those heavy objects just made the tree swerve and smash through another wall. There was some experimentation with staking the tree to the ground (Al's idea) and superglue (my idea) until we finally found the right way to get the tree to stand up! I stole Mustang's chair and propped it against the back of the tree. The tree was a little crooked, and his chair will never smell the same again, but it lasted the entire season. Until the chair slipped out and the tree smashed through another wall. **

Dear Ed Baby,

I'm so excited for my best Christmas gift ever! YOU COMING TO SEE ME! I was going to wait for you to come but I'm going to tell you the special surprise- I put mistletoe on every square inch of the ceiling of the house I broke into so when you come through the door, we'll have to kiss wherever we go! Not like we weren't going to do that anyway. But I have the sexiest X-mas dress EVER and I want you to come see me in it Eddie! You are my husband after all. I didn't get you a gift but I know you won't mind cause just seeing me is the best gift ever right? Oh and I know you feel bad for what your brother said to me in the last column. He's so mean, it's not like he could ever get rid of our love! And he threatened me, too! I know you're upset sweetheart but don't worry he can't hurt me cause you'll protect me. Love love love love love love love

-Mrs. Brianna Sherman Elric XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

………** PROTECT YOU! I'M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO _KILL_ YOU! You're right, Al can't get rid of our love because THERE'S NO LOVE TO GET RID OF! THIS IS IT! I AM GOING TO GET RID OF THIS STALKER ONCE AND FOR ALL! I MUST BEGIN BRIANNA SHERMAN EXTERMINATION PHASE 1. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

Dear ed,

My mom is really good at making cookies, and so are my two brothers and my dad. But whenever i try to make cookies they always get all burnt and when i put frosting on them it tastes like ashes with frosting on it. How do i not burn the cookies?

-candis miko

**Dear candis miko, **

**You have to take them out of the oven before they start smoking. **

Dear Ed,

My sister spells the word 'Hanukah' with a c. My mom says that it works either way but it sounds like 'channikah' to me. Which one of us is right?

-Susan

**Dear Susan, **

**Hmmm. I don't know, but I think a c is a very important letter. I mean, just look at all the haos that an ensue without that letter! I an understand all of your opinions, but if someone deided to put the 'c' there in the first plae, than maybe it needs to be there. But maybe you're right, beause it ompletely hanges the spelling, doesn't it? I think, though, that your mom is right, sine it an probably work either way. **

Dear Ed,

It's Al! Sorry to bother you, but I'm at the grocery store with Lieutenant Hawkeye; I told you I was going to stick around headquarters but she said she needed some help. We were wondering what kind of party tray to buy. There's one that has lots of cheese and crackers and such, but we didn't know if we should do that, or go more for an appetizer tray- like taquitos and quiche. Actually, it would be great if you could come help us out. We're at the one a few blocks from headquarters. Sorry to bother you, again. Oh, and be careful walking; it's really slippery.

Love, Al

**Dear Al,**

**I can't believe you text messaged that whole paragraph to me on a cell phone. See you there. **

**Love, Ed. **

**Well, I guess this means I've got to go. Thanks for the letters; except for two, they were all great. Have a really awesome holiday! I've got to go get ready for the military party. Or, go to the grocery store, then get ready. Well, first I have to send this, then get my shoes, and start walking to the grocery store, then… **

* * *

TAG: Thanks for reading, yay! See you next time! Make sure to send your letters in a review or to dearedwardelric at yahoo dot com. Oh, and if you get anything super cool for Christmas, make sure to tell Ed about it... 


	6. The insanity continues, at last!

Editor TAG: DEAREST READERS. It has come to my attention that Ed and I have not updated since LAST HOLIDAY SEASON. I am very. VERY. VERY. Sorry. You are all so nice by reading this and leaving fun reviews, and it really made me happy to see compliments and hear stuff about you printing this out to share it with your friends. I just got plain lazy, I have no other excuse for my terrible behavior. SO, in conclusion, 'Dear Ed' is no longer on hiatus. In fact, I might be starting a very regular update, so please keep checking back, and spread the 'Dear Ed!' love across the internet and your school! ONWARD!

* * *

_Dear Ed is finally back! It might not be a completely positive thing._

**Took my lousy editor long enough to pull her act together! Ahh, it feels good to be here again, in front of this computer… In a nostalgic kind of way. Well, I had great fun in Germany during the hiatus. But I missed answering letters so much, you know? It's laced with fan-mail, so I really enjoy it… Um, anyway, let's get going, shall we? (And Al's occupied right now, so he can't help me out. Not that it worked out too well last time, but I do like having him here. Who knows, maybe Editor Dorkface will kick me off one of these days and have Roy and his gang answer letters… Not if I can help it…Also, Pandellicatears, and any other reviewers who confessed a sort of frightful obsession with Al, stay away from my baby brother, or else, please.)**

Dear Ed,

You guys are so funny! My sister Tam showed me this site and I love it. Your answers make me laugh. Anyways, I actually do have a question! If a tree falls, and no one hears it, doesn't it make a sound? And here's another: With luck, who needs wisdom?  
Hahaha...those weren't REAL questions...but here's my real one: I have a bit of summer work for school, but I REALLY don't want to do it. I'm also working in a lab, which has been great, but it takes up time...should I just do the school work after the lab stuff is over? Or should I plan out a schedule or something to use? I'm so confused...

Hearts, stars, and horse shoes,  
libaka

P.S. Tell Snorkleheimer that she's stupid and tell Brianna-crazy-girl she scares the freakin' heck outta me. And say hi to Al for me!

**Dear libaka, **

**Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a crack at the tree one. My theory is that it always makes a sound because there's other trees to hear it, right?  
****Ah, summer work. Hopefully you got it done, and I would have been able to help you out if Editor No-Brain had given me some more reviews. But everyone who is in school right now, I would like to offer a little advice.  
****Ed's Guide to Getting Grades and a Boyfriend/Girlfriend and All that Other Fun School Stuff.  
****Go to school.  
****Do your homework (or at least some of it). If you need help ask me, because I'm actually very intelligent.  
****Be nice to people, or blackmail someone into going to Homecoming with you so people think you're nice enough to get a date.  
****Attend school sports and extracurricular activities, even though it may mean giving up precious internet time.  
****Take a course in rocketry or alchemy; you'll thank me later.  
****Decorate your binder and/or locker with pictures of me.  
****And I'll be sure to pass those messages on accordingly. **

Dear Ed,

I'm in love with fanfiction. I always read it, and sometimes I don't get to sleep until 2 in the morning. How can I not read as much fanfiction?

P.S. When you go to kill breanna, or whatever the hell her name is, can I help? I have a really big flamethrower that can make even Riza run away in fright!

--Krekoen

**Dear Krekoen, **

**Many a time have I run across what I like to call "Fanfiction Addiction Nervosa," or FAN. I'm not really sure what the 'nervosa' means, but it sounds pretty darn scientific. Anyway, typical symptoms of FAN include compulsive fanfiction reading, just like you've got. Here's a way for you to limit your fanfiction intake- think of it as a meal. Choose a fic to read for your appetizer/salad, and then maybe a couple for a main course, something small for a drink, and of course, some good homemade "Dear Ed" for dessert. Ahahaha. Ha. Drat, now I'm really hungry. **

Dear Edward,  
Did you know that I'm tall as you? Never mind about that, when is exactly your birthday?  
Kiyoko.  
P.S. Have a good day replying the letters (Especially the annoying ones).

**Dear Kiyoko,**

**What a great question! My birthday, dear readers, is JANUARY 7TH. Or, sometime in February if you want. Heck, it could be in December or November too. So, you know, whenever you feel like it, send me nice things. **

Dear Ed,

Will you be Romeo in my school play?

-Sanashi8

**Dear Sanashi8, **

**As long as I am not required to wear tights. **

Dear Ed,

I hate milk. But I love it with chocolate AT THE SAME TIME! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? and another quick question: if you hate milk, do you hate ice-cream too? PS i think it ok if your short. i mean, even though i'm of average height, my older brother still uses my head as an armrest. I VILL GET MY REVENGE! MUAHAHA--etc.

-utterly confuzzled about milk, chocolate and idiots

**Dear Confuzzled, **

**Think of it this way. Adding something else to the milk, or transforming it into ice cream, or cheese, or cottage cheese, or, um, tofu, or whatever else you make from milk, dilutes the true form of the milk. Which in turn processes out most of the nastiness that is secreted from a cow's udder. Therefore, if we use this very scientific approach to making ice cream, it'll be edible.  
****Also, if you're being used as an armrest, the arm that is being rested would probably undergo miraculous changes if it was exposed to some sour cottage cheese, if you know what I mean. **

Dear Ed,

What do you taste when you drink milk?

-FMAotaku

**Dear FMAotaku, **

**Liquid pain. **

Dear Ed,

I have a question, when I read fanfics about you some people spell your name "Ulrich" or "Elnric". My question is, is "Elnric" even a sayable word? Or why the hell don't they know how to spell your name? I mean it's a killer name!

From,  
Yutakia-San

**Dear Yutakia-San, **

**El-nric. Eln-ric? Hmm. It doesn't sound right. Hahaha. Whoa. If you say it over and over again you kind of start to forget what you were saying. Hahaha. Elnric Elnric Elnric Elnric. Ah. I should stop now, people are giving me weird looks.  
****But the truth is, Elric is a pretty much awesome last name. Al and I looked it up the other day, and guess what it means? "Noble Ruler." And my name? "Guardian of Prosperity," or even "Guardian of the Mists," which would have made a really awesome state alchemist title. Not that I don't like mine or anything.  
****Al's name means "eager for battle" or "prepared for battle," which is pretty much right. Together were are powerful and rich, haha! Much cooler name meanings than "Roy," A.K.A "Red." Haha, red. Or 'king.' But I prefer 'red.' Sounds stupider, since he has nothing red. At all. I'm going to call him that for the next week and see if he ever asks me why. Heeyyyy, I should get everyone to call each other by their name meanings! Sweet. **

**-Guardian of the Mists **

Dear Edwaaaaaaaard,

There was this BIG HUGE GIGANTICAL SPIDER and I was really scared and I couldn't squish it in time, so now it's running around my house, what do I do!

-Sammy

**Dear Saaaaaaammy, **

**Get a shoe. Better yet, do you play soccer? 'Cause a cleat would be nice. Then, get whatever household cleaner is nearest to spray the spider senseless with, but not Clorox because I heard from someone that if you get Clorox on a spider it will become enraged, grow a stomach, and be able to chew through that cleat of yours. **

**Dear Guardian of the Mists, (I thought I should add this tag line for them)**

I know what it's like to be made fun of incessantly. I am a vegetarian and my best friend's parents are always calling me a vegetable. People throw meat slices at me, and all sorts of things. Any ideas on how to stop the annoying meat-throwing lunatics?

Your friend,

Not a Vegetable

**Dear Not a Vegetable,**

**You know, people are very insensitive to vegetarians these days! There's got be a way for people to show a little more respect. You have one plan of action: start the People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetarians, or PETV. Um, no, that won't do, it needs to be a pronounceable acronym… Organization for the Correct Treatment Of People Used to not eating meat and who like Salad. There you go. OCTOPUS. **

Dear Ed,  
I got a monogram towel with you and winry on it and i got the fullmetal movie and um... i also got a bunch of breana(stalker)is a bitch hats. you can have some if ya want. Oh this is really weird but my pal,brian styles has a stalker named breana,hm mabe its just me but,O MABE SHE HAS CLONES! O.O

Signed, your loyal friend goatgod

**Dear goatgod, **

**OH DEAR GATE NO. Not Brianna clones. Anything but that. And yes, could I employ you to make some more of those hats and distribute them to the readers? It will go well with my plan. Which I will describe in full detail at the end of these letters, don't you worry. **

**HA.**

**HA.**

**HA. **

Dear Ed,

Did you know Envy is ramen-proof? We did some alchemy at lunch and acadentally made ramen explode so everything got soaked except a drawing of Envy.

-Tlantchi

**Dear Tlantchi, **

**Tlantchi Tlantchi Tlantchi. This is almost as much fun as Elnric. Um, anyway. Ramen-proof? Who would have guessed! But what if he was forced to eat it, then, would he implode or something? Hm. Please make your drawing eat ramen and get the results back to me. **

Dear Ed,

I need some help, I really want 2 start a column like u but I don't have anywhere to put it, I need a place to put it, where do u feature yours! I want to put mine there 2.

-Nannchan

**Dear Nannchan,**

**My column is located right here. Congratulations! You found it. **

Dear Edo,

I'd like to state a couple of things:

- I truly still believe that you are 5'3 (though it would be hard to imagine you taller than me and my mom...).  
- I am obsessed with you as well as eight other people from the show (which includes that one dude from the movie).  
- I get sugar buzzes from root beer...

Sorry for being wierd. I think you are very sweet,  
Shadow's Illusion

**Dear Shadow's Illusion, **

**Yes, yes, let's go with 5'3. Haha. Hahahaha. Yes.  
****Oh, so on your list, though, I am number one, right? And do you mean the one dude from the movie, as in my Heiderich, and is he also on that list, but higher than Roy or whoever, right? Because Roy shouldn't be on the list. In fact you should narrow it down, so it's just me, and maybe some minor obsessions kind of as footnotes or something.  
****Yeah, I could see that, especially if it's a Root Bee! Because… you know, bees buzz.  
****Bees buzz. Bees buzz. Hahaha. Whoa. You start to get mixed up on that one after a while too. **

Dear Ed,

I want to join a french class at my school. My friend wants to join a Japanese class, she says that we should join japanese cuz you are japanese. I keep telling her that you are not Japanese…… then we got in a argument about whether or not you are vietnamese or japanese. Or french. Can u plz tell us whose right here!

-sincerely angel

**Dear angel, **

**Neither of you win the grand prize; I'm actually a native Amestrian turned citizen of Germany. If you want the full Edward Elric Language experience, you've got to be fluent in English, German, and some swear words from various other languages. **

Dear Ed,

Lately I've been having problems controling my temper. I get angry at people and tend to be overly violent. My friends say I need anger managment(well that is after they stop laughing 'cuz I made some dude cry). Is it that big of a deal?

-Anger Issues

**Dear Anger Issues, **

**No, I actually don't think it's that big of deal. Maybe I'm speaking from experience here, but temper should be treated as an aspect of personality, not something that needs 'managed.' I recommend instead enrolling your entire school/city in anger management, so that they can learn to _manage_ other people's anger, get it?**

Dear Edward,

m?

-tellenick

**Dear tellenick,**

**m.**

Dear Ed,

Hey, you don't know me, but my name is Adri, and I recently became a fan of yours. But I know I'm going off-topic here, so...My older brother keeps on being a pain in the a-double snakes to me, asking me stupid favors and making me do his chores for him. He doesn't even pay me, either! What should I do to stop this?

Sincerly,

Adri

P.S. You rock and Envy sucks! (No offense, Envy fangirls.)

**Dear Adri,**

**A new fan is always appreciated, hahaha! (Especially one with a P.S. like that.) Well, I'll try to give you some sound advice, since you're new and all: **

**Cottage cheese. **

**Works every time. **

Dear Ed-Kun,

Oh my gosh, I accentually burned my friend with a flat iron! SHE MIGHT KILL ME! What should i do?

- Scared Straightner!

P.S.- make it quick couse here she comes!

**Dear Scared Straightener, **

**As long as you didn't burn a hole in her hair, (which happened to Editor-Face, but she'd rather not elaborate on the circumstances,) your friend will see that you were not in the wrong. Tell her burning the skin actually brings out the, um, flatness of the hair, and accentuates the texture and shiny ends and stuff. Yep. **

Dear Ed,

Uh, between you and me... I have a huge crush on Kain Fuery. What can I do... and can you help me get in touch with him?

-luna12

**Dear luna12,**

**I talked to the little guy for ya, and he was overjoyed that he had a fan and wants an e-mail address and/or home address so he can send you cookies and bits of scrap metal he engineered or whatever, and he thinks you're really great. Except he said it like this: "Wow, she has a crush? On me? Wow, she's great, really really great!" And then Havoc got kinda mad because he's still looking for someone who has a crush on _him_, and I didn't see what happened next, but it's safe to assume Fuery's O.K. **

Guardian of Years Overdue Paperwork,

The verbal lambasting in this column must cease, or there will be consequences.

-King

**Dear Red,**

**Not a chance. **

Dear Ed,

I don't want to go back to school. Classes are boring and the teachers assign too much homework. Do you have any suggestions for me?

-Mog

P.S. Have you ever thought about stealing Mustang's glove?

**Dear Mog, **

**School is, as I mentioned earlier, a lot more fun if you have pictures of me on your binder. Plus, remember your teachers are still human! They can be manipulated and distracted just like the rest of us.  
****And I'd like to elaborate on the glove question a little bit, because I've been dying to tell this story for a long time. **

**So there was this day a long time back, like four years or something crazy, when Mustang stepped out of his office. I had been planning on putting super glue on the earpiece of his phone (ah, what an immature child I was. Everyone knows the ear isn't smooth enough for the glue to set on; the handle would have worked much better), but something caught my eye. The dork had left his jacket sitting on the back of his chair all sloppy-like, and to my great surprise a glove was kind of sticking out of the pocket, so I kind of took it and kind of ran out really fast with it. Al had been watching and I employed him to distract the Colonel for a little bit while I went to 'test' something. He followed me anyway because he knew I was up to no good, and I knew I had to hurry, so I stuck the glove on and ran into the kind of basement with the heaters and stuff. I did the snappy thingy while doing, I must say (and Al can back me up on this one,) a rather good impression of Mustang blowing up something, because there was suddenly a spark, a whoosh as I preformed the necessary alchemy, an explosion and a six foot hole in the wall and a bunch of sirens going off. **

**So Al and I hightail it out of there while everyone's freaking out and going all military on the boiler room because they think it's Scar or whoever, and I'm just kind of half-running back to the office. Thankfully Mustang was downstairs trying to shut off the emergency sprinkler system from drowning the politicians in the conference room. So I run into the office, where I stick the glove back in the jacket, but not before dumping the entire contents of my glue bottle into it.  
****His fingernails never really were the same, I think. **

Dear Ed,

My little sister can be kind of annoying. Recently, she criticized me because she thinks I sing something wrong, but in all honesty, she's not exactly the next American Idol herself. I actually think she's the one singing it wrong. So what do I do?

-Stressed Singer

**Dear Stressed Singer, **

**To perform the necessary "Who Sings it Right?" test, you'll need a bowl of dominoes, some cheese, a goldfish, a wine glass, some brownies, a piano, a desk lamp, and a deck of cards. Get them all arranged, then go get your little sister and tell her you want to test who's the better singer. When she sees all the stuff she probably will get intimidated and/or thoroughly confused, leaving you to claim the rights to being the better singer. For added effect, put the goldfish _in_ the wineglass, and be holding a nailgun. **

Dear Ed,

I don't know if you're still doing your advice column, but whatever. On, "Fullmetal Alchemist 2 and the curse of the Crimson Elixir," I'm fighting this boss, Crowley, and he's SO HARD! HELP ME!

-Frustrated FMAotaku

**Dear Frustrated, **

**CROWLEY, YOU ARE ON THE WRONG PATH! **

**Ahem. But it kind of helps, when you're fighting this guy, to imagine him as a punk rocker fairy princess ballerina. Just try having that mindset, it's pretty funny. **

Edward Elric,

You know nothing of the misfortune I have felt today after discovering that your discontinuation of this wretched column was only temporary. You and your dim-witted editor must give up this frivolous attempt to start a successful, meaningful advice column! Your 'advice' has gotten worse and worse, and the people writing in are increasing in number so there will be more minds for you to distort! This column has grown from a minor disturbance in my life to a grotesque danger to the world. You must stop this now before I get authorities involved.

_-_Harriet Orkelheim_, Harriet's Helpful Hints_

**Snorkleheimer, **

"**and the people writing in are increasing in number…" **

**Uh-huh. Yes indeed. Thank you for reminding me of my column's increasing popularity. And what was that I saw in your column last week? PROPER SHEET FOLDING TECHNIQUES, EVERYONE. Oh, whoa is me for not putting in such important things like how to fold your sheets while "maintaining their softness and limiting the number of wrinkles." Go call the article cops on me, Snorkleheimer, I dare ya! **

Dear Eddie-baby,

Lovey wovey, I tried sending some pre-wedding pictures to you but the packages came back all torn up and stuff with mean words on it! I don't really know why but I'm sure someone must have been jealous of our relationship; I hope it wasn't that evil brother of yours. (by the way we should go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, that way I can see you in a speedo and you can see me in a bikini!)  
See, I burnt down that old house that I stole so that it I could get insurance or whatever, and then I stole a new house and signed it under our names, so we have a place to live! I even got some mail the other day with your name on it! It was just some spam, though. I really do hate spam. Especially internet spam, like when people send me mean letters, because it's so distracting, it makes me all flustered and I actually forget about you momentarily, Eddie baby sweetcakes! But no worries, no amount of spam anyone can send me can tear us apart!

CALL ME SO WE CAN GO MAKE OUT SOON O.K? I want a lock of your hair so part of me can be with you always!

XOXOXOXOXOXO Your lovely wedded wife, Brianna Elric

P.S. Make your stupid readers send us wedding presents!

**SHERMAN,**

**YOU ARE THE ENEMY.**

**First, you frighten myself and my sanity, and then breach the boundaries of potentially harmless stalkers and become the ultimate lunatic.**

**Then you drag the readers, Editor-Face, and even my poor Al into your circle of freakish annoyingness. In a general overview, many of my readers are really upset with you, and for good reason! **

**That's why, readers and reviewers, I've decided to start the Society for the Protection of Edward Elric from Lunatics like Brianna Sherman, aka SPEELBS. **

**Maybe I'm just having fun with acronyms, but this is a really cool organization, because together we can think up fun ways to destroy Brianna effectively. My plan is to unite you all, so we can torch her, or put cottage cheese on her, or send her hate-mail until she cries and forgets about me or whatever she was ranting about in her last stupid letter. I'm so angry I can barely think straight!**

Dear Edward Elric,

What are you supposed to do during an air raid?

-Love, chichi

**Dear chichi,**

**Well, first get a… Wait, what? Air raid? AIR RAID! AIR RAID! AH! NO NO NO! HIDE! HIDE UNDER SOMETHING! AH, RUN, RUN, AHHH IT'S A SCHUTTE-LANZ, AH NO OH NO NOOO! HIIIIIIDE!DSVH gdSDg **

**

* * *

**

IMPORTANT! Read for further instruction!

Editor's Notes

Ah, looks like he ran off in a hurry, there. I would delete his little keyboard slip-up as he dragged his hand across it, but I'm in a sour cottage cheese mood. _Editor Dorkface. _Pfft. He'll regret all that Editor-Face stuff. One of these days, I'll refuse to help him, and he won't be able to work a Word Document to save his… Um, yes, sorry, continuing.

Readers, I've been informed that Brianna is loose on the internet. Not just the internet, but close by, lurking around, trying to find the source of the article. Hopefully she won't figure out where this is, or how to leave a review, but keep a close look out…

And, Ed's going to hate me even more than he already does for this, but I'm holding a contest. It's a review contest! Thirteenth reviewer to this chapter, make sure to write something you want Ed to say, word for word, in the next edition of the column…

Mini-disclaimer: Don't worry about hurting Brianna Sherman's feelings, as she is not copyrighted. Fullmetal Alchemist is, thankfully.


End file.
